Mommy police
“Thank you for the advice,” I said with a fake smile and walked away. I recently endured a 10 minute lecture from a woman I’d never met before. I was minding my own business, just trying to order a cup of tea when she said, “Oh, your baby is so cute! How old is she? Is she sleeping through the night?” Thank you, 9 months and no, not yet. She started in with, “well, this is what you have to do…when my daughter…” I’ll spare you the annoying details, but she rambled on and on about letting the baby cry-it-out and yada, yada, yada. She kept repeating, “you HAVE to! You just HAVE to do it!”
I kept thinking, is this lady for real? Let’s get something straight here. I don’t just HAVE to do anything. And, the way I care for my child is none of your B.I. business! (BTW - What does that mean? I’ve been saying that since I was a kid and I have no clue. It is a NY thing I wonder?) It was almost like she had this rehearsed speech ready to go in the event she stumbles across some innocent, unsuspecting mother in a coffee shop. The last thing she asked as she looked me up and down was, “and you are married, right?” Walk away, Anne. Just walk away.
Sharing our experiences as mothers is a beautiful thing. I encourage this sort of exchange for a living, but holy cow! There has to be a better way to encourage each other without being offensive. I’ve been noticing (and experiencing first hand) that women can be very hard on each other. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Tags: advice, b.i. business, coffee shop, mommy police, NY slang, sleeping through the night, taking care of baby
October 26th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Women are hard on each other bc we’re afraid of others being hard on us. If this woman harassed you about your kid, she’s probably trying to justify her own decisions by presenting them as the only right ones. (Not that that doesn’t make her just as annoying.)
October 28th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I 2nd that theory– with parenting when does anyone hear “great job! You made the right choices!” People feel the need to validate and justify their own decisions. Also it’s so isolating to be a parent these days, for most of human history you would have relatives and other parents around, but now if you’re a stay-at-home parent you can go for tremendous stretches without meaningful interactions with other grownups, and it can feel like you’re the only one in the world going through the experience… there are a lot of bottled-up parents out there who just really need someone to connect with.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Joyous,
Thanks for your very insightful comment! And I think you’re right. We’re very defensive about the choices we make for our families. It’s probably because we take caring for our children so seriously (as we should) and we’re devoted to them 24/7. It just doesn’t feel good for someone to imply that you’re not doing a good job when you’re trying your best. That lady was seriously rude!
November 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Marcie! Sooo true. I’ve never heard anyone say, “you’re doing a great job with her. ” That hurts! Mothering is such an important (if not THE most important) job there is. A little encouragement and some positive feedback would be nice. Maybe that’s why we’re so hard on eachother…b/c we feel unappreciated and we’re lashing out. But, I still don’t like that I’m-a-better-mother-than-you attitude that’s out there. Caring for babies is too hard to have to deal with that from eachother. Whether it’s breast vs. bottle. Working vs. staying home. Letting them cry it out or whatever!!!! Caring for a baby is highly individualized. There are a million ways to get the job done. So let’s be nice and enjoy our kids : )